With all the emphasis on “healthy living” and “detoxifying” our lives, I know that it is tempting to stop eating all the crap that is the God-given right of any American citizen. I actually have a friend who has been drinking green water for the last month. “It’s a cleanse,” she tells me.
My thought is, “I hope the demons come out soon, cuz that’s gotta SUCK!”
This is coupled with the fact that I no longer fit into most of my pants. While I love having additional junk in my trunk (and this time, I did not get it at the Goodwill), I have started to feel poorly about my size and fat-content. In fact, as I am writing this, a part of my brain is telling me that I should probably be running instead of typing.
So, I figured I would find some excellent reasons why I should just embrace my fat and enjoy the ride. Here they are. If I could, I would write them in easy cheese so that you could relish in the fatty truthfulness the way that nature intended.
Being Fat is Good For You Reason 1:
You are Now Historically Sexy
Fortunately for us, being fat has only recently become less than attractive. Although for the past 50 years being skinny has been considered cool, in the history of humanity, fat people win the sexy race. Who wants a cave-woman wife who is too skinny to nurse her human-cubs? No one.
In the Renaissance, there was a dude who really understood. His name was Peter Paul Rubens, and he had a thing for the round ladies. Basically, though, he was painting his time. The only girls who were thin in the European Renaissance were the ones who couldn’t afford to eat food. If you were skinny, it was assumed you had consumption and were about to die. Hence, it was a much better choice to go with a girl who looks like she’s had more than a dirt sandwich for lunch.
Score one for seconds!
Being Fat is Good For You Reason 2:
There’s More of You to Love
One of the easiest benefits of being fat is the inevitable expansion of certain…attractive physical properties. I mean big boobs and butts. Now, it’s not like I’m looking, but I have accidentally noticed that as my appetite increases, so does my bust size. Intriguing.
After I had my daughter, I felt deflated. Literally. Like someone had come along, blown up a couple of balloons and then popped them. When I started staying home,(and had complete, unadulterated access to my food supplies all the time) I started noticing the opposite happening. As if all the food was being stored in my more feminine assets. Unfortunately, that is not ONLY where it was being stored. Still, it is the main reason why Kyle has still not told me to go and lose that extra weight. A little extra tummy is totally worth the other enhancements that too much good food will produce.
Plus, McDonalds’ dollar menu is so much cheaper than plastic surgery.
Being Fat is Good For You Reason 3:
The Secret Benefits of Playing Pregnant
The best!! If you are overweight, there’s the fantastic choice of pretending to be pregnant. Now, this might seem a little out there, but check it out: Who gets the best seats on the bus? Who gets all the free baby clothes? Who gets all the extra helpings at dinner? Pregnant ladies. With so many reasons TO pretend you have a baby made out of food, I don’t know why people don’t do it more often.
Oh yeah. Because it’s crazy! Just put a box of oreos in a bassinet and see who doesn’t give you the creepy-eye. Stop being so weird.
Being Fat is Good for You Reason 4:
You Are Less Likely to be Kidnapped
Think of the extra freedom you gain by being overweight. All those skinny teenage thugs will think twice before messing with you and your generous girth. If you are also rich, being fat is perhaps the only form of physical protection you can have against kidnappers who might steal you and hold you for ransom. Except a gun.
Still, you have to admit that being a large person is intimidating for skinny people. Especially if you have a large kielbasa or ice cream sandwich in your hand. Let’s face it. If they mess with you, they’re going to get hurt.
Being Fat is Good For You Reason 5:
There is nothing wrong with a little extra padding. In fact, there is nothing wrong with a LOT of extra padding, in my opinion. Some of the most important reasons why it is okay to be fat are cold-related: Extra warmth in the winter and emergency food supply.
Okay, so your fat protects your body from getting too cold, which means that fat people will live longer!! Got that? Every time you eat 4 slices of Costco pizza, you are making an investment to ward off hypothermia. Good job, you! Great thinking ahead. Remember, you are also lubricating your cells with much-needed oil molecules, which also allow you to see through time. Being fat makes you kind of like Harry Potter.
I don’t actually have a lot of science to back that up.
The other reason why it is okay to be fat is a little less about you and a little more about your loved ones. When you are stranded in a wintery overpass, waiting for help to arrive and eating shoe leather, guess who is going to be able to provide a good, home-cooked meal? You are! It may not be exactly the way you would like things to turn out, but because you packed on all that extra meat, you could very well be the means of survival for your entire wagon train. Better yet, just avoid wagon trains at all costs.
Being Fat is Good For You Reason 6:
Being fat automatically makes you hilarious. I learned this from the same fact book where I got the “seeing through time” statistic.
As a weight-enhanced individual, there is no longer a need to meticulously craft illuminating erudite humor. Fart jokes can now be successfully added to your comic arsenal. Well-played.
Plus, you have now become a member of the elite group of overweight comics that have changed the world with their genius: Jack Black, John Candy, John Belushi, Jim Gaffigan and Chris Farley, just to name a few. It is a long tradition of excellence, and it is an honor (or horror) to be among their ranks.
Just make sure that you don’t lose too much weight. The funny is absorbed into your fat cells. Becoming too skinny may result in a personality disorder known as “Boringitis Yawnatia.” Science doesn’t lie.
Being Fat is Good For You Reason 7:
Ah! The best reason of all. Once you’re fat, you can keep on being fat. There’s no need to say no to an extra piece of cheesecake, or stop eating that BBQ. You have made a choice to love your body, regardless of the size. It means that you are less stressed when you eat and more likely to enjoy your meals. Because of this, you will take more time to talk, laugh and eat with your family. This results in better relationships, better digestion and more communication with others.
You see? Being fat is good for you, your family, your soul and your life.
You have made me hungry. I’m going to go make a donut sandwich.