You may be wondering where I’ve been for the past 2 months. Well, there are literally too many things going on to even begin talking to you about them. That’s why I haven’t been blogging about them. Because I love you, I’m going to give you the blogging-friendly version of the craziness my life has become.
1. I quit Twitter. You know, because you were there. I was pumped about it, ready to get myself back on track. I did great for about 2 weeks. Then, like any true addict, I decided I would just go back and do a little bit. And I would control it like a normal person. And…my brain stopped working.
2. I became the assistant director for a community production of Les Miserables, which is one of my bucket list shows to be in. I took on the role of costumer and seamstress. My daughter is it the show, and so am I – playing Whore #7, Poor Crazy Lady, and Wife of the Old Guy. Show goes up next weekend.
3. My sister is getting married and I am her wedding DJ. Actually, as my mother informed me, I am the “Party Fun-Maker.” My job is to make sure that she has a fun time and all the Mormons dance instead of staring awkwardly at each other. I personally believe this might take a miracle of God (like someone turning all the water into wine).
4. I won a fiction contest I entered for that story that you probably read: “Commando.” It’s the one where Drew Chial did the amazing voice work. If you haven’t noticed, I pulled it from my site so that you completely forget about it until it gets put into the Seven Deadly Sins: Pride anthology later on this year.
5. Me and a couple of Portland-based tweeps started a real-life, meet-in-person-and-talk-with-our-mouths writing group. Crazy, right? Don’t I already have a bunch of stuff I’m doing? Oh, yeah. I do. Still, it is cool to see people in real life. And Matt Nicely Campbell, Caitlyn Spivey and Scholle McFarland are all very cool people who bring some great skills to the table.
6. That Twitter problem? It didn’t go away. I wasn’t able to manage it, and I had to quit for good. Like, FOR GOOD for good. I don’t even know what I did this time to delete my account. All I know is that I set up a password I picked randomly on my keyboard, set up a temporary e-mail to verify my changes and then deleted it immediately afterwards. So that ended well.
7. One of the reasons I have not been blogging is because I’ve been busy writing. YES! I’ve been actively working on several short stories that will not be featured on my blog. Some of them are very good, perhaps the best I’ve ever written. Unfortunately, they have required me to pour a lot of emotional energy into them. Hence, I’ve been feeling a little moody and unbalanced. The ghosts of my past are doing a lot of chain-rattling.
8. I accidentally exploded our fish tank. Who knew plastique was so volatile? Just kidding. I did manage to knock a huge crack in the tank while cleaning it and then didn’t realize what I’d done until I’d put another FULL 10 GALLONS of water in it. So, our carpet smells like the underside of a boat: one that’s been mouldering for decades in a monster-filled lake.
9. I ate 5 pounds of cherries in a single hour. Then, I almost died of farting. That’s a true story, and one that I’d like to keep between you and me.
10. After submitting a number of my short stories to people who could hypothetically pay me for them, I have accumulated a beautiful menagerie of rejection e-mails. My favorite so far?
“Thank you for sending us “Cashmere”. I’ve reviewed the story and decided not to purchase it. It’s well-written but I feel the ending is a bit too upbeat for us (I do realize that’s part of the point of the story).”
Well-written but too upbeat? I’ll take that. You can see if you agree with this assessment by reading the story here.
11. In an attempt to sonically dissolve my pug’s kidney stones, I administered a very well-researched (Googled it for 10 minutes) and clinically-proctored (plastic bag, dishwashing gloves, and some Astroglide) SonicCare insertion procedure. I stand by that decision, as my pug can pee again. The toothbrush has a large X on it, just in case you ever stay over at my house.
12. I bought a bag of wigs. It’s been keeping me busy.
13. So, some of you know that I teach Relief Society (church for the Mormon ladies, y’all). Every 4th Sunday, I give the Teaching for Our Times lessons, which are more centered on modern-day religious topics. I recently taught a lesson discussing media events involving the LDS church, many of which are very sensitive. Gays and the church, women and the priesthood, excommunications and church attrition – these have all been on my mind a lot. Kyle and I have seen a lot of our friends (and some family) remove themselves from the church over these same topics. It has been a rough time to be a Mormon, but I am confident in the benefits and blessings it has brought into my life.
So, that’s what I’ve been doing when I’m not blogging. What about you? What have you been up to? You could always write me a comment. Anyone who uses the secret word located on Number 8, the third word in (starts with “e”) gets extra credit.
Fly, my pretties! Fly!