Top 10 Things You ACTUALLY Need To Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

April 21, 2021

As we can all probably attest to, a normal, boring apocalypse is not nearly as cool as The Zombie Apocalypse (or the Zombocalypse, if you will). Instead of hanging out in our houses, Twittering and Netflixing until we forget the last time we showered (you can’t hide, I can smell you from here), a good old-fashioned Zombocalpyse includes lots of Double-Tapping and Cardio—which I learned from Zombieland.

But there are others things you would probably need if you really wanted to stay alive. So I made you a checklist, just in case things get “I am Legend” levels of weird once we are all vaccinated.


Top Ten Things You ACTUALLY Need To Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

Okay, okay. So your neighbor is a crazy person who has a stash of gun and food in an underground bunker. He is going to be your new best friend, provided that he doesn’t get infected and zombifies everything with his gross zombie germs. Of course, those of us who have thoroughly studied the available documentation (Night of the Living Dead, The Walking Dead, etc.) will tell you that a good old-fashioned bullet to the brain is the second best way to kill a zombie. The first, of course, is…

10. Blunt Objects

Having an arsenal of blunt objects will make your future zombie-killing days not just practical, but fashionable and even fun!! People like me who have seen such classic zombie expository texts like Shaun of the Dead can verify that killing zombies will be taking a lot of your time, so you should really be creative about it. Maybe hurling 45s at them is ineffectual (see previous reference), but consider a javelin, a rock, or even a frying pan.


9. Motorcycle

We’ve all seen the image – that one greasy dude from Stephen King’s The Stand riding around all the dead traffic that is NEVER going to move, swerving in and out like it was an obstacle course for a motorcycle permit. That is what you’ll need. Plus, you will look cool to all the hot chicks that don’t have ways to get away from the zombie hordes, especially if you loot a Harley Davidson store and score some sweet-ass chaps.

8. First Aid Kit

This is very helpful to have, especially if you are trying to pick up stranded women escaping from zombie hordes. I’m not sure why so many hot chicks are running aimlessly during the Zombocalypse, but it is an eventuality you must be prepared for. You need a knife, some penicillin, a small do-it-yourself surgery kit, a tourniquet and some cyanide pills. None of the rest of the stuff in there matters. It will be most helpful if you throw it in a zombie’s face as a distraction while you are scooping up a bleeding blonde and putting her onto your sexy motorcycle.

7. Bullets

Even though shooting a zombie can attract others quickly, it is still your best and most lethal choice. It stands to reason that bullets are going to be pretty necessary. Because of this, you must be prepared for the eventual shortage of bullets and have at your disposal some method of procuring them. If you are a cop, you might be able to sneak into your headquarters in the beginning stages of the Zombocalypse and steal a few thousand rounds. Or, you could just entice your crazy, gun-stashing neighbor out of his bunker and hit him over the head when he’s not looking. SCORE!

zombie apocalypse

“Did somebody say ‘cheese nips’?!”

6. Gas

Well, you’re sure not going to get anywhere on that motorcycle of yours if you don’t have gas for it. This is especially a problem if the Zombocalypse is ongoing, Since gasoline has a shelf life, even the zombie-infested gas stations won’t be able to help you out after about 6 months. You will be SOL unless you find a refinery to supply you and someone who knows how to run it. The best option is skinny, nerdy guy who looks like he knows a lot (like an engineer or a computer programmer)and who is also really hungry. Tell him if he can get the plant up and running, you will provide him with….

5. Food

This is one of the main problems with the end of times, there just aren’t any good restaurants available anymore. Additionally, you are looking at some heavy competition to get access to the little food that is available, especially after the initial looting that takes place in the supermarkets. So, if you don’t want to end up being zombie bait, or in the case of The Road by Cormack McCarthy, people bait, you will need to come up with a solution to your food problem fast.

zombie cannibals

“To them, we look like People McNuggets…”

Try raising a garden, if the soil hasn’t been annihilated by radiation yet. Also, you can join a religious cult. In just a few simple weeks, you could have access to a number of delicious food items such as Meal Mash #4 or Canned Meat Product.

4. Fire

Even if you have nothing to eat but your own intestinal lining, fire is going to be your best buddy in the wilderness. It keeps away predators, it cooks your food, and it gives you a warm, fuzzy feeling. Also, zombies don’t like it. Plus, when all you’ve been doing all day long is murdering the undead, it feels pretty good to sit down by the fire and pretend that you’re just on a really exciting camping trip.

Zombie stories around campfire

“I know, right? And then his head just came clean off!”

3. Water

Since most of the water may be contaminated by radiation, or in the case of the Walking Dead, has bloated zombie parts floating in it, you will need access to fresh water to survive. Although finding a farm with an untainted water supply is a start, you may want to think outside the box. Gaining access to a witch, or someone who is good at witchy things, could be very useful. Then, you could take her out into the middle of nowhere (where the zombies can’t get to), and make her find a natural spring. Another option: live in a cave underneath the water table. Pros: Not a lot of zombies live in caves. Cons: Your water tastes like bat crap.

2. Will to Survive

There are lots of people who aren’t going to make it. They are going to see their wife and kids be turned into brain-eating monsters and just give up. Not YOU!! You are going to kick some zombie butt and become one of the New World Order. Why? Because you are willing to do whatever it takes to survive. You are the kind of person who will eat a raw deer liver in order to avoid having a smoke trace. You are the kind of person who will kill your best friend if he starts getting all loud and attracting zombie attention. You are the perfect, soulless, creature who is the only type of living thing on this planet after the zombies have taken over. Or maybe…

1. Humanity

You’re the kind of person who chooses to differentiate yourself from the scrabbling masses. The reason you survive is because you remember the best parts about being a human and you refuse to become a zombie by default. You are able to maintain your wits but keep the important things sacred. You laugh, you kiss, you kill zombies, and you play with your kids. You stop every once in a while and observe the sunset, the constancy of the ocean. You kill zombies because you have to, not because you want to. This is the the true skill of not just surviving the Zombocalypse, but living through it: Recognizing the beauty of the universe and the majesty of the human spirit in addition to scraping to stay alive.

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