There are a lot of strange ways to die, but death by sugar is actually pretty common. If you ask any health guru, they’ll tell you that sugar can cause cancer, diabetes, and drive you insane—at least for a little while. Unfortunately, it is not just the sugar-free revolution that thinks this sweetener is a killer. In actuality, sugar (and sugary treats) have been the cause of true, weird deaths across the globe.
The Great Molasses Flood
In January 15, 1919, a storage tank with 2.3 millions gallons of molasses exploded over the East End neighborhood of Boston, Massachusetts. Although the neighborhood had been enjoying the factory’s negligence up to that point—they had been skimming free molasses from the leaking 50-foot-tall tank for a while—they all got their comeuppance when a 15-foot wave of brown, sugary gold surged through the streets at an estimated 35 mph. The event, aptly named the “Molassacre,” killed 21 and injured 150. There were rumors for decades after that you could still smell molasses in the streets when it warmed up.
Chewing too much gum can sometimes you jaw pain, rot your teeth, or turn you into a human blueberry. However, Vladimir Likhonos learned the hard way that doing it while working can be explosive. In 2009, the Ukrainian chemistry student had the habit of dipping his chewing gum into citric acid to “refresh” it while working long hours in the lab. Unfortunately, he accidentally dipped his gum into one of the compounds he was working on instead. The combination of his spit and the reactive substance was deadly.
Sugar Napalm
With all the strange ways to kill a person, you’d be fooling yourself to think that sugar is always just an innocent bystander. Although not as overt as the fantastic fictional murderess of Shirley Jackson’s “We Have Always Lived in the Castle,” (do you want sugar with your arsenic, or arsenic with your sugar, Merricat?), real-life sugar killings happen all the time. There are several instances of killers adding sugar to boiling water and then using it to burn victims. The combination of the two forms a viscous fluid that sticks to skin like napalm, making it almost impossible to clean off before it begins melting flesh.
Drowning in Syrup
Small toddlers are always at risk of getting into stuff that they shouldn’t. Still, a large vat of syrup isn’t a common household danger—at least not in the US. For India, however, a large pot of chashni can be scary. This savory-sweet sauce (compared to tikki masala sauce) is used for a number of dishes in North India, Nepal, Afghanistan and Pakistan.
According to the report that was presented on the accident, the event was very rare, but that “…although drowning in concentrated sugar syrup is rare, there exists the possibility of occurrence of such cases in this part of the world, where local confectioners prepare sugar solutions in large open urns in their houses or shops, thus running the risk of accidental fall of small children into such solutions, especially when unsupervised.”
It just goes to show, it IS possible to have too much of a delicious, delicious thing. But if you’re interested in finding out for yourself, check out this awesome recipe!
All Choked Up
Not that anyone’s surprised, but the most likely way to die from sugar isn’t diabetes, especially in children. It’s actually choking. In 2013, candy became Undesirable #1 as it edged out hot dogs as the number one choking hazard among children. Hot dogs have since taken their crown back, but candy is a big runner up, causing over 12,000 emergency room visits each year for children between 0-14 years of age.
Honorable Mention: Marshmallow Melee
Okay, so no one died of marshmallows on this one (although we know from one or two scary rounds of Chubby Bunny that it has definitely happened), but there was definitely marshmallow fluff at the scene of the accident. In May of 1988, a factory complex outside of Las Vegas, Nevada, was rocked when the Pepcon plant, which manufactured spaceship propellant, exploded. Tragically, two men died in the incident. In addition, the explosion was so massive, that it took at the neighboring marshmallow factory, Kidd & Company. According to locals, when workers got to the scene of the accident, marshmallow fluff dotted the desert for nearly a mile back from the explosion’s epicenter.
So, before you take a bite out of that Twinkie, reconsider—are you devouring that sugar, or is it devouring you? You never know where the sugar beast will attack you next. But between you and I? It will probably be your thighs.
Willow Dawn Becker is an author, voice personality, marketing maven, and entrepreneur. She co-founded Weird Little Worlds Press in 2020 despite a raging pandemic and huge personal losses. Her work can be found at Black Fox Literary Magazine and Space and Time Magazine. She lives in Utah with her family and pug-huahua, Indiana Bones.
Okay, so maybe things are different in 2022, but back when we were kids, fantasy movies weren’t always 100% safe for children to watch. We’re not talking Game of Thrones or Witcher-level sex and gore, though. We’re talking “this movie is made for kids but it is WAY too scary and will probably scar them for life” kind of damage. The best decades for this? 1980-1999. For whatever reason, the censors just thought kids could handle a lot of very dark, very creepy imagery.
Guess what? We could not. But we told our parents we could, anyway.
Now we have become an army of “adults” that were scarred from a very young age to be into the weird, dark, and fantastical. We were the ones who grew up reading Stephen King because our parents didn’t know or care who he was. We were the kids who had Garbage Pail Kids cards and Gremlins lunch boxes. Do you want to know why? Because one (or all) of these movies paved the way for our little brains to be instantly and irrevocably addicted to dark fantasy. And we thank you.
10 Weird Fantasy Movies from the 80s That We Shouldn’t Have Watched as Children
We have talked about this one before, namely on our list of 90 Scary Movies that Aren’t Rated R. This 1980 movie is touted as “A masterpiece of suspense,” which is true. But it’s also a masterpiece of Betty Davis’ eyes, backwards writing in mirrors, girls screaming into the void, aliens, and séances. Not really sure what Disney was thinking when they put this one together, and it seems from their retconning of basically all of it that they don’t know, either. A very cool fact is that this movie had a different original ending with a much scarier alien showing up. But we think that the one that they went with is still pretty messed up.
No Rating. Probably because they wanted it to vanish into the great in between after a rousing bout of witchiness…
Okay, so here’s another entry in the deeply-terrifying-but-only-for-kids movie list that still haunts our dreams to this day. The Dark Crystal was 1982, featuring completely sympathetic puppets that reminded us of fairies. Beautiful beasts that are astronomers and sing to the moons. Oh yeah, AND ALSO SKEKSIES THAT DRINK YOUR BLOOD AND EAT YOUR SOUL JUICE. Totes normal. If that wasn’t enough, there were also the huge rolling spider beasts, the giant walking monsters that looked like AT-ATs (probably because they were all a part of the same design team), and then your favorite character gets murdered. I have never recovered.
Rated PG. But you probably didn’t watch it with your parents. They saw the one-eyed witch lady and noped out of there.
Not sure how many people watched this, but some of it is etched into our collective memory so deeply that we thought we’d made it up. Google, however, has proved us wrong. There was, indeed, a movie in 1981 that featured that weasely guy from Ghostbusters 2 playing a second-rate magician and blacksmith. The scene that haunts us is not the dragons or the explosions. It’s the scene where a very frightened girl in a white dress tries so hard to escape some lead manacles that she turns her hands to hamburger. Totally gross, totally cool, and totally not something that a young child should have watched.
Rated PG for “Peek Generously.” Because you’re going to watch a lot of this through your fingers.
Talk about your existential crises machines; here’s one in tip-top shape! The Last Unicorn (1982) is a fantastic frolic based on Peter S. Beagle’s timeless fantasy novel of the same name. What’s troubling about the movie, however, is that it’s 100% in line with the novel, including the fear of death, aging, and the general sense of existential dread that pervades every line. Not only do we have to consider our heroine “feeling this body dying all around [her],” but we have to face Molly’s dissatisfaction with her wasted life, Hagrid’s empty search for happiness, and watch a tree grow boobs and try to kill someone with them. Extra points for harpies that dismember a witch.
Rated G for Gaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh! (The sound that a witch makes as a harpy disembowels her)
Okay. So not EVERYONE saw this, but it was completely insane. Featuring an all-star cast including Debbie Harry as the main female lead, this Canadian fever-dream released in 1983 and was seen by about 12 people. The premise? It’s post-apocalpytic America and the only thing that survived the nuclear holocaust were dogs and cats…who became irradiated and mutated very human forms. Extremely human forms. Okay. So we may or may not have developed an unhealthy crush on the Debbie Harry version of a cat. Anyway, there’s an evil villain about to take over the world and he needs the perfect voice to do it. Enter Angel (Harrie) who is “discovered” at a greasy lounge and then is forced to perform some kind of ritual to bring about the ultimate power to rule the world. Just watch it. So much rock and roll. So much crazy. So much dirty animation.
Rated PG. Because the censors didn’t care as long as you were home by dark.
What list of terrifying 80s kids’ movies would be completed without this strange tale? With basically nothing in common with the original, this story takes place after Dorothy returns from Oz, convinced of its reality. After being saved at the last moment from a terrible psychiatric experiment, she finds herself in Oz again. This time, with new friends like TikTok the robot and Pumpkinhead, the…pumpkin head. By themselves, totally freaky enough, but we add another layer of complete hysteria to this movie. The villain is an evil queen who STEALS PEOPLE’S FACES. She strips them off and takes them back to her beauty closet full of faces which she exchanges out like shoes.
Rated PG. For “Please God, don’t make me think about all those faces when I’m trying to go to sleep.”
On the surface, this isn’t a terrifying tale. I mean, Jon Lovitz as a cranky old radio? Totally fine. But there are a couple of scenes in this 1987 gem that are pretty dang dark. The premise? There’s a toaster who gets accidentally sent to the dumpster and has to work with a bunch of other discarded inanimate objects to get back home. Very Incredible Journey but with appliances. And yet…there’s kind of a dark scene where they end up in an appliance repair basement with a bunch of other objects that have been Frankensteined together, a la Sid’s house in Toy Story. Oh yeah. And an air conditioner (Phil Hartman voices this one) commits suicide. So, yeah. A little on the messed up side.
Rated G. Because you can never start kids too early on the finality of death.
Talk about your sexual awakenings at an early age, this was one of Tom Cruise’s first films (it was actually his second movie, ever) in 1985. Of course, that’s not really the issue. Tom plays a cute little wood-bred elf-boy who has a fairy entourage and a way with unicorns. His would-be girlfriend, Princess Lili (Mia Sara) is also pretty hot (read: hot mess), and uses her power for annoying to kind of destroy the world. But the real reason we shouldn’t have watched this? Tim Curry is at his peak, y’all. There is no sexier version of any devil in any version of the universe. When he turns Lily evil, all of us kind of thought, “So, being bad isn’t THAT bad, is it?” Also, there’s a swamp witch that makes our skin crawl.
Rated PG for “Princess Gyrations.” You know. Because the princess dances. You know what? Shut up.
For some of us, this was the first foray that we really had into the incredible sexiness of tight leather pants and huge hair that is David Bowie circa 1986. Not only that, but it’s kind of every babysitter’s fantasy/nightmare. No one really wants the kid to turn into a goblin, but it’s pretty damn cool to travel a magical labyrinth, dance in a gigantic princess dress, fight the coolest bad guy who sings EVER, and then get paid for it at the end of the night. Unsettling points for a bad guy who is confusingly sexual, super gropey hand puppets, and heads flying off of random people.
Rated PG. Because when mom had the hots for the goblin king, you could watch it as many times as you wanted to.
When you take a nerdy, bullied kid and put him with a magic, stolen book, all kinds of shenanigans start happening. But in this 1984 masterpiece, most of those shenanigans are not shenanigans at all—they’re psychological torture devices designed to wring every last 80’s kid of every last therapy dollar we have to spend. Where do we start? Dead mom? Check. Killer sphinxes? Check. Being thrown in a dumpster? Check. LOSING YOUR ONLY FRIEND AND BEST HORSE EVER TO THE SADNESS???? CHEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCCKKKKK. Also, the world disappears and nothing you can do will stop it. Except maybe screaming your dead mom’s name.
They look like such strong hands, don’t they? DAMN YOU, NEVERENDING STORY.
Rated PG for Pernicious Gmork. Do not ask me any more questions about this or I will start hyperventilating.
This is a bonus entry. The 1988 classic Who Framed Roger Rabbit wasn’t ONLY designed for kids, but it was mostly us who watched it. A lot of this is not really cool to show small brains, but here is a short list: gun violence, overly sexy lounge singers, people melting, someone’s eyes coming out of their head, a very weird game of patty cake. Of course, the producers knew what they were doing when they developed it, as it still retains a lot of entertainment value for both kids and parents. Still. There is so much weird stuff in this that we shouldn’t have seen. Just the thought of our favorite characters getting DIPPED was enough to send most of us crying to snuggle with our Donald Duck piggy banks.
Rated PG for Porn-adjacent Gem. Jessica Rabbit is the clear star of this life-ruining slice of awesome.
Did we miss any? Share your thoughts with us on social media!
The Weird Team is comprised of several unhinged individuals that have a love of life and a lust for adventure. They scour the world to find the strangest, scariest, and most wonderful news in the universe.
The Large Hadron Collider (LHC), the gorgeous nougaty center of CERN, ramped up to record speeds starting July 5th. And while there is an awful lot of words coming out from CERN headquarters like “proton beams,” “electronvolts,” and “femtobarns,” a lot of people have been speculating that the whole thing is just one big game of “how big can we make a black hole.”
According to a number of concerned users on TikTok (and around the interwebs), this is all a part of a giant conspiracy to rip open doorways to different dimensions. It’s not a new idea, for sure, but it’s becoming much more likely as CERN rams 13.6 trillion electronvolts through the LHC over the next four years.
This got us thinking: instead of imagining the worst case scenario (lizard men, very angry Greys, aggressive space squids), what if we took a moment to imagine the BEST dimensions that our space-time crowbar can break into?
6 Alternate Realities We Wish that CERN Would Open Up, Already
The One Where Animals Talk
How many times have you sat with your dog, looking into his adorable face, and just wondered what the heck he was thinking about? Don’t lie. You know it’s more than one. Granted, the odds of most dogs having a constant stream of food- and toy-related babble is likely. Still, what about all those other cool animals who probably are smarter than us? Considering that they know how to run away, throw dead fish at people, and (apparently) wave at people they like, I bet they have a lot of very important things to say about how much humans suck.
2. The One Where We’ve Invented Time Travel
Are you into hoverboards, flying cards, and rigging betting pools because you have an awesome sports almanac? This is the alternate reality for you. Well, it really depends on your understanding of the space-time continuum and whether you believe that the current timeline can be altered or if you necessitate opening up a new dimension every time you change the past…But, we digress. The bottom line is that is would be super cool to move through time, even if you believe (like we do), that you wouldn’t be able to alter the past. Of course, it might not be 100% comfortable. Seeing the Beatles play live? Totally worth a bad case of the Time Bends.
Imagine a place where clouds are made of cotton candy, rain is made out of Sprite, and the grass is made of Sour Patch Straws. You drive your Donut Car to work which runs on high fructose corn syrup and emits the smell of caramel. It snows ice cream and you swim in rivers of soda. The best part? You don’t have teeth and your body is unable to digest sucrose, so you never get fat. Also, you’re so, so high.
Money is just really awful, so in this version of reality we’ve decided to stop messing with it altogether. In its place? A lot of bartering, universal income, and everything smells like patchouli. Did aliens bring that? Nah. Just our hippie overlords. They’re militantly chill, y’all. But it’s cool because everyone has food and a place to sleep. Okay, so every once in a while a creature from beneath the earth harvests us for meat. But also, no taxes. #winning
5. The One Where Fictional Characters Live
This is the dimension where Harry Potter and Gandalf are in a crappy synth band together, the Scarlet Witch has a cooking show, and Mary Poppins runs a small preschool in upstate New York. This is where they all just hang out, being normal people, and not really knowing that in other dimensions, they are kind of big deals. This dimension is controlled by a joint strike force that includes a number of trademarked superheroes, every Morgan Freeman character ever, and Perry the Platypus.
As hard as it may be to believe, there is actually a dimension where everyone just likes being nice to each other. There is a lot of door holding, grocery buying, and active listening. People give each other the benefit of the doubt and don’t take other peoples’ attitudes and actions personally. There is not just kindness, but an inability to become offended. Because everyone realizes that 1) everyone is walking their own path that can’t really be compared to their own and 2) people are really just trying their best to find happiness, security, and love. The secret is, of course, it doesn’t take a Large Hadron Collider to open the door to this universe. It just takes someone like you doing something a little bit kind right now.
Go out, there and start smashing atoms with your heart. Who knows? You may be the key to opening up the best dimension yet.
Willow Dawn Becker is an author, voice personality, marketing maven, and entrepreneur. She co-founded Weird Little Worlds Press in 2020 despite a raging pandemic and huge personal losses. Her work can be found at Black Fox Literary Magazine and Space and Time Magazine. She lives in Utah with her family and pug-huahua, Indiana Bones.
Mother’s Day is just around the corner, and it’s kind of a big deal here at Weird Little Worlds Press. Why? Because we’re in the thick of our Kickstarter for Mother: Tales of Love and Terror, which ends on Mother’s Day—May 8th, 2022. Now, that might seem FOREVER away to you, but I promise that it’s not. In fact, if you haven’t thought at all about what you might get your mom this year, we have the perfect guide for that quirky, creative, and little bit freaky mother of yours.
11 Weird and Hilarious Mother’s Day Gifts
1. Custom Face Pillow
Selfie Pillow by Guava, via Zazzle
Give her what she really wants, her kids or her grandkids exactly where she wants them. Sitting on the couch next to her all. the. time.
With this awesome customizable face pillow, you just upload your best selfie (or one of her dog or your spouse, whichever she loves better), and then she has a version of her favorite person that she can cuddle through every friggin’ episode of Call the Midwife.
2. Butterfly Mother’s Day Card
Tell me the lady in the glasses didn’t just see her life flash before her eyes.
Do you love your mom, but also love scaring the living crap out of her? This is the gift for you. It looks like a normal card. Smells like a normal card, but when your mother opens it up, a beautiful butterfly missile will be launched at her head going approximately light speed. Look at the GIF people. This is a memory just begging to be made.
3. Mom, You Were Right Candle
Perfect Match Shop via Etsy
Although it’s not for everyone, some of us at the incredible part of parenthood where we realize that our moms were actually pretty smart about a lot of things. This candle basically says it all. Have you suddenly understood the value of a 7pm bedtime for your kids? Are you realizing now how drinking all that water is actually making your life a lot better? It’s time for you to tell your mom that she was right.
4. Creepy Mother’s Day Cards
Is your mom a little bit creepy? Does she idolize Morticia Addams or attempt to sew buttons on your eyes? Never fear! There IS a perfect gift for her. Order in advance to get one of Ilan Sheady’s Horror Mother’s Day Cards. Inspired by Friday the 13th, Rocky Horror Picture Show, the Babadook, and more, it’s the perfect card for the perfectly macabre Mother’s Day surprise.
5. Catwoman Claw Gardening Gloves
Okay. So she loves to dig in the garden. But she also wants to be able to kill a man who messes with her petunias. Look no further than the Famoy Claw Gardening Gloves. Yes, they are very helpful for sifting dirt. But they’re also incredibly helpful for making sure the neighbor lady doesn’t hug her again without asking. Available in the colors Deadly, Nightmare, and Carnage. That’s purple, orange, and green to the layperson.
6. Taco Slippers
You wanted them, we made sure that they existed. Of course, slippers are a Mother’s Day staple. But this year, get her the slippers that really hit the spot. These taco slippers from Coddies are comfy, adorable, and don’t have the terrible body odor smell that comes with real tacos.
7. The Big Fat Activity Book for Pregnant People
If you know someone who is not a mother yet, but soon will be, this is an excellent choice. Full of journaling prompts, word hunts, mazes, and hilarious pictures to color, this book from Jordan Reid and Erin Williams is the perfect book for someone who is willing to see the funny side of being an almost-mom.
8. Wine with a Little Stank on It
It takes a tough lady to be a mother. All that kindness and gentleness and patience can often go unrewarded, which is why Mother’s Day is so important in the first place. This year, however, give her a gift that really means something…specifically that she’ll be able to get a little sloshy and have a few laughs.
Enter the brilliant wine labels from the people over at The Ritzy Rose. With these very direct and hilarious phrases, you can turn any piece of crap bottle of wine that you just barely remembered to buy into a gift with foresight and fun.
9. Mother: Tales of Love and Terror
If you want to do a little bit of double duty, you can actually turn Mother’s Day into an awesome one both now and in the future. When you back the Weird Little Worlds Press Kickstarter for Mother: Tales of Love and Terror at the Mother’s Favorite level, you get a gift box full of goodies sent to your mother and a copy of the anthology for yourself. It’s a great way to celebrate your mom and also support one of the coolest anthologies of 2022. This gift includes Grifty Shades of Fey from Michael Cluff as well as cookies, a bracelet, and a hand-written note from you! Check it out here!
10. Fried Jewelry
It’s so cliche to buy jewelry for a mother on Mother’s Day. And yet, it seems to be a fall back for every child as the day looms closer. Avoid the expense of diamonds and pearls and get her something she’ll always remember—a dazzling necklace featuring an incredibly realistic piece of FRIED CHICKEN. You know. Just in case she forgets how much she loves you. And fried chicken.
11. Time-Saving Tee
We all know that Mom doesn’t really want to be bothered with your weird question about whether you can shave the cat for a science experiment. Save her the time by getting her this phenomenal t-shirt from IRISGOD. Pair this with a set of Bose noise-cancelling headphones and Humans are the Problem: A Monster’s Anthology and then she’s ready for a well-earned rest from annoyances for a while.
The Weird Team is comprised of several unhinged individuals that have a love of life and a lust for adventure. They scour the world to find the strangest, scariest, and most wonderful news in the universe.
As we can all probably attest to, a normal, boring apocalypse is not nearly as cool as The Zombie Apocalypse (or the Zombocalypse, if you will). Instead of hanging out in our houses, Twittering and Netflixing until we forget the last time we showered (you can’t hide, I can smell you from here), a good old-fashioned Zombocalpyse includes lots of Double-Tapping and Cardio—which I learned from Zombieland.
But there are others things you would probably need if you really wanted to stay alive. So I made you a checklist, just in case things get “I am Legend” levels of weird once we are all vaccinated.
Ahem.
Top Ten Things You ACTUALLY Need To Survive the Zombie Apocalypse
Okay, okay. So your neighbor is a crazy person who has a stash of gun and food in an underground bunker. He is going to be your new best friend, provided that he doesn’t get infected and zombifies everything with his gross zombie germs. Of course, those of us who have thoroughly studied the available documentation (Night of the Living Dead, The Walking Dead, etc.) will tell you that a good old-fashioned bullet to the brain is the second best way to kill a zombie. The first, of course, is…
10. Blunt Objects
Having an arsenal of blunt objects will make your future zombie-killing days not just practical, but fashionable and even fun!! People like me who have seen such classic zombie expository texts like Shaun of the Dead can verify that killing zombies will be taking a lot of your time, so you should really be creative about it. Maybe hurling 45s at them is ineffectual (see previous reference), but consider a javelin, a rock, or even a frying pan.
9. Motorcycle
We’ve all seen the image – that one greasy dude from Stephen King’s The Stand riding around all the dead traffic that is NEVER going to move, swerving in and out like it was an obstacle course for a motorcycle permit. That is what you’ll need. Plus, you will look cool to all the hot chicks that don’t have ways to get away from the zombie hordes, especially if you loot a Harley Davidson store and score some sweet-ass chaps.
8. First Aid Kit
This is very helpful to have, especially if you are trying to pick up stranded women escaping from zombie hordes. I’m not sure why so many hot chicks are running aimlessly during the Zombocalypse, but it is an eventuality you must be prepared for. You need a knife, some penicillin, a small do-it-yourself surgery kit, a tourniquet and some cyanide pills. None of the rest of the stuff in there matters. It will be most helpful if you throw it in a zombie’s face as a distraction while you are scooping up a bleeding blonde and putting her onto your sexy motorcycle.
7. Bullets
Even though shooting a zombie can attract others quickly, it is still your best and most lethal choice. It stands to reason that bullets are going to be pretty necessary. Because of this, you must be prepared for the eventual shortage of bullets and have at your disposal some method of procuring them. If you are a cop, you might be able to sneak into your headquarters in the beginning stages of the Zombocalypse and steal a few thousand rounds. Or, you could just entice your crazy, gun-stashing neighbor out of his bunker and hit him over the head when he’s not looking. SCORE!
“Did somebody say ‘cheese nips’?!”
6. Gas
Well, you’re sure not going to get anywhere on that motorcycle of yours if you don’t have gas for it. This is especially a problem if the Zombocalypse is ongoing, Since gasoline has a shelf life, even the zombie-infested gas stations won’t be able to help you out after about 6 months. You will be SOL unless you find a refinery to supply you and someone who knows how to run it. The best option is skinny, nerdy guy who looks like he knows a lot (like an engineer or a computer programmer)and who is also really hungry. Tell him if he can get the plant up and running, you will provide him with….
5. Food
This is one of the main problems with the end of times, there just aren’t any good restaurants available anymore. Additionally, you are looking at some heavy competition to get access to the little food that is available, especially after the initial looting that takes place in the supermarkets. So, if you don’t want to end up being zombie bait, or in the case of The Road by Cormack McCarthy, people bait, you will need to come up with a solution to your food problem fast.
“To them, we look like People McNuggets…”
Try raising a garden, if the soil hasn’t been annihilated by radiation yet. Also, you can join a religious cult. In just a few simple weeks, you could have access to a number of delicious food items such as Meal Mash #4 or Canned Meat Product.
4. Fire
Even if you have nothing to eat but your own intestinal lining, fire is going to be your best buddy in the wilderness. It keeps away predators, it cooks your food, and it gives you a warm, fuzzy feeling. Also, zombies don’t like it. Plus, when all you’ve been doing all day long is murdering the undead, it feels pretty good to sit down by the fire and pretend that you’re just on a really exciting camping trip.
“I know, right? And then his head just came clean off!”
3. Water
Since most of the water may be contaminated by radiation, or in the case of the Walking Dead, has bloated zombie parts floating in it, you will need access to fresh water to survive. Although finding a farm with an untainted water supply is a start, you may want to think outside the box. Gaining access to a witch, or someone who is good at witchy things, could be very useful. Then, you could take her out into the middle of nowhere (where the zombies can’t get to), and make her find a natural spring. Another option: live in a cave underneath the water table. Pros: Not a lot of zombies live in caves. Cons: Your water tastes like bat crap.
2. Will to Survive
There are lots of people who aren’t going to make it. They are going to see their wife and kids be turned into brain-eating monsters and just give up. Not YOU!! You are going to kick some zombie butt and become one of the New World Order. Why? Because you are willing to do whatever it takes to survive. You are the kind of person who will eat a raw deer liver in order to avoid having a smoke trace. You are the kind of person who will kill your best friend if he starts getting all loud and attracting zombie attention. You are the perfect, soulless, creature who is the only type of living thing on this planet after the zombies have taken over. Or maybe…
1. Humanity
You’re the kind of person who chooses to differentiate yourself from the scrabbling masses. The reason you survive is because you remember the best parts about being a human and you refuse to become a zombie by default. You are able to maintain your wits but keep the important things sacred. You laugh, you kiss, you kill zombies, and you play with your kids. You stop every once in a while and observe the sunset, the constancy of the ocean. You kill zombies because you have to, not because you want to. This is the the true skill of not just surviving the Zombocalypse, but living through it: Recognizing the beauty of the universe and the majesty of the human spirit in addition to scraping to stay alive.
Willow Dawn Becker is an author, voice personality, marketing maven, and entrepreneur. She co-founded Weird Little Worlds Press in 2020 despite a raging pandemic and huge personal losses. Her work can be found at Black Fox Literary Magazine and Space and Time Magazine. She lives in Utah with her family and pug-huahua, Indiana Bones.
Warning: It’s possible that SOME of the “research” in this article may not be entirely correct. All I remember is eating a bunch of chocolate and talking to a lot of random people. I’ve blocked most of it out. Also, I do NOT condone child-eating, unless they’re free-ranch, hormone-free, organic children. Just FYI.
For centuries, science has been looking to nature for answers about behavior. I mean, why else would humans eat bananas, unless they were going to monkeys for advice about what to make for dinner? Seriously, y’all. Bananas are gross.
As a mom, I really wanted to get some insight as to how animals raise their children, and I found a shocking statistic – almost 99% of animals eat their young. Actually, I heard that from a guy who hangs around my apartment’s dumpster and smells like feet. Pretty sure it’s true, though. (Thanks, Dirty Ernie!)
But, there are some that actually do eat their young, and for shocking reasons. Even though you and I are a highly evolved species that would never eat or harm our children, identifying similar situations could save your children the ignominy of being someone’s lunch.
1. Black-Tailed Prairie Dogs, or “Your Dinner is Not Poisonous.”
In several black-tailed prairie dog colonies, researchers have observed that these cute little critters spend much of their time sleeping and playing while their matriarchal leader finds and creates food for them to eat. After having spent most of her time and effort gathering delicious and nutritious foods, putting them on special plates, and carefully considering each one of her broods’ tolerances for new food, she will gather them to the dining area. Sometimes, the young black-tailed prairie dogs will immediately complain about how much they don’t like liver, or how they would rather eat hot pockets. Upon hearing this response, the mother simply nips the complaints in the butt. Literally.
2. Burying Beetles, or “What Did You Call Me?”
Although the burying beetle is a tolerant parent, there are some lines that just can’t be crossed. In the wild, it happens occasionally that an adolescent burying beetle gets into a heated argument with his or her parent about what time to come home to the dung heap, or whether they can take a member of the opposite sex to the seedy part of the savannah. The argument becomes deadly when the hot-headed teen calls their parents something idiotic, like a “dung-eating bug-face.” At which point, the parent responds by biting his or her head off.
3. Honey Bees, or “There’s One in Every Family.”
Sometimes, even the best honey bee hive can be afflicted with offspring that continually makes poor judgement calls. An aggressive disease, known as assholianism, affects nearly every hive. In this situation, honey bee offspring rebel against authority by hitting other bees, stealing their lunch money, and sometimes even peeing in the collective gymnasium bee shower. In addition, they pose a real threat to the hive as the disease spreads to younger bees who think their older sibling is “SOOOO COOOOL.” Honey bee moms and dads, in an effort to save the hive, sometimes just turn the wayward youth into a tasty and nutritious after-school snack, preferably on biscuits or toast.
4. Rabbits, or “ALWAYS. KNOCK. FIRST.”
No one knows copulation better than rabbits, so it’s no wonder that they’ll eat a child that gets in the way of their union. Still, a rabbit couple won’t usually turn to aggression unless there is good reason. My research (a 2-minute conversation with my drunk neighbor Sasha) says that rabbits often commit infanticide when a bunny has walked into a room that was mistakenly unlocked, and refuses to leave without knowing why someone hasn’t made them a snack. My sources also say that the most dangerous time for a baby rabbit is when it continues to knock on the door, talk through the keyhole, or put its little rabbit fingers underneath to wave “hello” after it has been told to go away. The parents’ mojo is lost and suddenly, that bunny looks mighty tasty…
5. Bottle-Nosed Dolphins, or “Stop Hitting Your Brother.”
Bottle-nosed dolphins are some of the most highly advanced creatures on our planet, with intellect rivaling and maybe surpassing humans. And yet, even they know when it’s time to just take out a kid or two. In the tight family pod unit, dolphins travel thousands of miles each year. Unfortunately, these long trips can affect the mental stability of even the best dolphin parent. After the 300th game of “Rock, Kelp, Crab,” or hearing “The Song That Never Ends” for 45 minutes, a dolphin parent simply can’t handle the stress of an inter-sibling fight. When the “I’m not touching him” phase of the journey begins, the dolphins will do anything for a little peace and quiet.
6. Polar Bears, or “NO MORE DORA!”
Polar bears often spend much of their time cooped up in their lairs with their children. A tired and frazzled polar bear mom may allow her offspring to watch some television in order to give her a moment to kill some dinner or to clean up the cave. Especially with a very young polar bear cub, the mother is subjected to hours of inane child-oriented programming, often starring a mono-syllabic talking animal or a musical medley that is impossible to get out of the head. When a polar bear parent attempts to turn the program off, the cub will go boneless, kick its feet, and scream unintelligibly about how mean the mother is. Needless to say, the polar bear tends to prove the cub right.
7. Tiger Salamanders, or “Can You Hear Me Now?”
For tiger salamanders, the adolescent years are some of the deadliest. A recent development in tiger salamander technology has allowed them the ability to communicate with each other via electronic messages. A parent of an adolescent tiger salamander will often ask their child a question, which results in verbal silence, a soft click of electronic buttons, and a delayed response of, “Huh? What did you say?” After weeks, days, or sometimes just hours of the child choosing to use the electronic device rather than participate in real-world activities, the device fuses with the body of the adolescent, making it almost impossible for him or her to have normal brain function. Upon seeing this, a sad and reticent parent will choose to put the child out of its misery, knowing that it can never truly live a normal life again.
8. Chickens, or “Procrastination Unto Death.”
It’s true: chickens aren’t the smartest creatures of all, but they have their limits. On the farm, there are duties that chickens must fulfill. Scientists have observed that several species of chicks are required to do large projects that must be completed by certain times. In severe cases, these chicks will wait until a few hours before the project is due to share that information with the adult chicken. This process usually results in poor quality science projects, badly-written papers, and dioramas that look like they were created in a hurricane. Finally, after being told and shown how to have better time management, the chick will again bring the parent a poster project that must be researched and completed by the next morning. Guess what’s on the menu that night? Chicken.
Willow Dawn Becker is an author, voice personality, marketing maven, and entrepreneur. She co-founded Weird Little Worlds Press in 2020 despite a raging pandemic and huge personal losses. Her work can be found at Black Fox Literary Magazine and Space and Time Magazine. She lives in Utah with her family and pug-huahua, Indiana Bones.
